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How many .....
How many clarinettists does it take to change
a light bulb?
One,
but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds one that's just
right.
How may second violinists does it take to change
a light bulb?
None
- they can't get up high enough.
How many trumpet players does it take to change
a light bulb?
Five.
One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could
have done it.
How many french horn players does it take to change
a light bulb?
One,
but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
How many bass players does it take to change a
light bulb?
1...5...1...
(1...4...5...5...1)
How many tuba players does it take to change a
light bulb?
Three.
One to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins.
How many drummers does it take to change a light
bulb?
One,
but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed
in.
What's the difference .....
What's the difference between a Bass Trombone
player and a terrorist?
Terrorists
have sympathizers.
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
There
is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's
head is so much bigger.
What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
No
one cries when you cut up a viola.
What's the difference between a soprano and a
piranha fish?
The
lipstick.
What's the difference between trumpet players
and government bonds?
Government
bonds eventually mature and earn money.
What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
The
coffin has the dead person on the inside.
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
No
one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
What do you call .....
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A
drummer.
What do you call a percussion player with half
a brain?
Gifted.
What do you call two flautists playing
in tune?
Lucky.
How do you .....
How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo?
Mark
the part "pp expressivo"
How do you get a violinist to play pianissimo
tremolando?
Mark
it "solo".
How do you tell the difference between a second
violin player and a dog?
A
dog knows when to stop scratching.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With
a tuba glue!
How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask
him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 beats per minute.
How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Keep
it in a viola case.
How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
Take
the batteries out of his electric tuner.
How do you get two piccolos to play in tune?
Shoot
one of them.
How do you know when a violist is playing out
of tune?
The
bow is moving.
Why do .....
Why do piccolo players always bring their dogs
to rehearsals?
So
that they can find out if their top notes sounded.
Why do so many people take an instant dislike
to the viola?
It
saves time.
Why do bands have bass players?
To
translate for the drummers.
Why do intermissions in a concert only last twenty
minutes?
So
you don't have to retrain the drummers.
Why do violists never play hide and seek?
Because
nobody ever bothers looking for them.
And finally...
Have you heard about the man who tried to order
a copy of 'Could I but express in song!' at his local music-shop? When
it failed to arrive and he went back to enquire why, he found that the
shop-assistant had written the name down as follows: 'Kodaly - Buttocks
pressing Song'.
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